My Dad Quit a 40-Year Habit by Not Fighting It

For most of my childhood, I was quietly terrified that my dad was going to die. When I was younger than ten, my siblings and I stumbled upon his secret: he was a smoker. He had probably hidden his miniature cigars from us so we wouldn’t pick up the habit ourselves, but once the cat was out of the bag, he started smoking in front of us.

The strange part was, he only ever smoked in the car. Never at home, never at a party, and never at work. Just the car. I tried a few subtle campaigns to get him to quit, but nothing ever stuck. Then, a decade later, I accidentally gave him the tool he needed to kick his 40-year habit for good.

To understand what happened, you first need to know a little about how habits work. The idea of a "habit loop" was popularized by Charles Duhigg in his book . It’s a simple, three-part cycle that keeps our behaviors locked in place:

1. The trigger that kicks off the behavior (like a stressful meeting).
2. The action you take (like smoking a cigarette).
3. The feeling you get from the action (like a sense of relief).

When I was 18, I dropped out of university to build my first tech startup and read a book called by Nir Eyal. It explains how companies use this very loop to get people addicted to their products. During a visit home, I accidentally left the book in my dad’s bathroom. My dad, who loves to read on the toilet, picked it up.

For the first time, he understood his own habit loop. The cue was getting into his car. The routine was reaching into the door pocket, grabbing a cigar, and lighting it. The reward was the dopamine hit from the nicotine. The next day, he went out to his car, threw out the cigars, and replaced them with miniature lollipops. He never smoked again.

He had interrupted the loop by replacing the routine. He didn't fight the urge; he redirected it.

Why You Can't Fight a Bad Habit Head-On

What my dad did, whether he realized it or not, perfectly aligns with what science says about changing behavior. Trying to simply stop a bad habit is often a failing strategy that leads to a rebound.

Have you ever noticed that the more you try to stop thinking about something, the more it pops into your head? That’s because our brains are wired for action, not inaction. As researcher Tali Sharot explains, our brains have learned that to get a reward—whether it’s a promotion or a piece of cake—we need to something. When we expect something good, our brain activates a "go" signal.

An experiment she described highlights this perfectly. Volunteers were much faster to press a button to win a dollar than they were to press a button to avoid losing a dollar. Our brains associate rewards with action. Trying to suppress a thought or behavior often has the opposite effect. A 2010 study found that smokers who were told not to think about smoking actually thought about it than the group that didn't receive that instruction.

My driving instructor gave me a great piece of advice that fits here. He said, "The car goes where your eyes are looking. If you stare at the parked cars on the side of the road because you're afraid of hitting them, you'll steer right into them. Look ahead, where you want to go."

It's the same with habits. If you focus on , your brain just hears "smoking." But if you focus on a positive, replacement action—like chewing gum or, in my dad's case, eating a lollipop—you give your brain a clear, actionable goal. He didn't just remove the cigars; he replaced them with a new action.

The One Thing You Need to Change Any Habit

For years, people have asked me when I sleep, assuming that success must come at the expense of rest. The truth is the exact opposite. I rarely take meetings before 11 a.m. and almost never use an alarm clock. I’ve always known that sleep isn’t an inhibitor of success; it’s the foundation of it.

Stanford psychology professor Russell Poldrack noted that we're more likely to do things we don't want to do when we're stressed out. When you’re tired and stressed, your brain seeks out an easy dopamine hit from things like sugar, junk food, or other vices. This is a massive roadblock for anyone trying to build something new, especially when you're .

Keeping your stress levels low is crucial, and the simplest way to do that is to get a good night's sleep. Whether you're trying to get fit, perform better at work, or eat healthier, sleep is a game-changer. Sleep deprivation messes with your hunger hormones, making you crave unhealthy foods and store more fat. If you want to break old habits and build new ones, focus on the basics: feel good, stay rested, and manage your stress.

You Only Have So Much Willpower

For a long time, we thought of willpower as a skill that, once learned, was always available. But research from the last few decades has shown that willpower is more like a muscle—it gets tired the more you use it.

A famous 1998 experiment illustrates this perfectly. Researchers brought two groups of people into a room with a bowl of fresh-baked cookies and a bowl of radishes. One group was told to eat the cookies, and the other was told to eat the radishes while ignoring the cookies. Afterward, both groups were given an impossible puzzle to solve.

The cookie-eaters, whose willpower was fresh, worked on the puzzle for an average of 19 minutes. The radish-eaters, who had exhausted their willpower resisting the cookies, gave up in just eight minutes. They were frustrated, annoyed, and depleted.

This concept, called "willpower depletion," is critical for habit change. The more you restrict yourself and fight your urges, the less willpower you have for everything else. This is a common pitfall for a dedicated ; the mental energy spent in the evenings leaves little left over to build better habits.

It’s why crash diets fail and why nearly 10% of people fail their New Year's resolutions because they take on too many at once. If your goal is to take your , you can't afford to burn out by trying to change everything at once. Your willpower will run out, and you'll rebound.

Instead of fighting, work with your brain. Replace one bad habit with a new, positive action. Focus on one small, sustainable goal at a time. And most importantly, take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Your future is built on the habits you form today.