I used to turn beet red whenever a professor called on me in class. At parties, I needed a drink in my hand just to work up the nerve to talk to anyone interesting, otherwise, I’d break out in stress hives. Then, in my early twenties, the panic attacks started.

If you’ve never had one, a panic attack feels like your body is convinced you’re having a heart attack. It can be triggered by something genuinely scary, like public speaking, or it can come out of nowhere for no reason at all. It’s your mind and body having a "near-miss" experience that's completely disconnected from reality. Let me break down what that means.

The Difference Between Normal Panic and a Panic Attack

There are plenty of times in life when panic is a perfectly normal response. Imagine you’re driving on the highway, about to change lanes. Suddenly, a car rips past you, cutting you off and forcing you to swerve. In that "near-miss" moment, a jolt of adrenaline shoots through you. Your heart pounds, your breathing quickens, and your body goes on high alert to control the car. You might even break a sweat.

Almost immediately, your brain searches for a reason for this intense physical reaction. In this case, it’s simple: you almost got into a car crash. Because your mind has a logical explanation, it allows the physical response to subside. The danger has passed, and you can calm down, maybe just a little more cautious next time you switch lanes.

A panic attack is when that exact same "near-miss" feeling hits you without any warning or cause. You could be standing in your kitchen pouring coffee, and suddenly, that same surge of adrenaline takes over. Your heart races, your breath gets short, and your body enters a state of hyper-awareness.

But this time, when your mind races to find an explanation, it comes up empty. Without a legitimate reason, your brain defaults to a prehistoric survival mode, assuming you must be in real, imminent danger. As your heart pounds, your mind spirals, trying to make sense of it. Am I having a heart attack? Am I dying? If your brain can't find a reason, it ramps up the anxiety to make you want to physically escape the situation, which is why people having a panic attack often feel a desperate need to leave the room.

Why “Just Calm Down” Never Works

For years, I was trapped in this cycle. I tried therapy and various cognitive techniques, but nothing seemed to stick. The fear of having another panic attack just made them happen more often. Eventually, I went on medication, which was a lifesaver for nearly two decades. I figured I’d be on it forever.

Then, I watched my own kids start to struggle with the same kind of crippling anxiety. Seeing their fear was heartbreaking, and trying to help them with the same old advice was frustrating because nothing was working. That’s when I decided to get off my medication and face my anxiety head-on. I needed to understand it to beat it—for them and for me.

The first thing I learned is that telling someone who’s anxious to “calm down” is a terrible strategy. When you’re anxious, your body is in a state of physical agitation—it's like you're going 60 mph. Asking you to just stop is like trying to stop a freight train with a boulder. In fact, research shows that trying to suppress unwanted thoughts often makes you more distressed. You end up fighting your body, which only makes the anxiety worse.

Instead, I found two strategies that work together: using a mental trick to assert control and then reframing the anxiety as excitement so your brain doesn't escalate it.

The Mental Flip: From Anxious to Excited

I first stumbled upon this reframing strategy as a public speaker. People always ask me how I got over my fear of being on stage. The truth is, I never did. I just learned to use the fear to my advantage.

Every single time I get ready to speak, my body reacts. My palms get sweaty, my heart races, and I feel a rush of energy. For years, I labeled this feeling as "nerves," which signaled to my brain that something bad was about to happen, and the feeling would get worse. But then I had a realization: physiologically, anxiety and excitement are the exact same thing. The only difference is the story your mind tells about the feeling.

So, I started telling myself a different story. Instead of saying, "I'm nervous," I started saying, "I'm excited." My body was getting ready for action, preparing to do something cool. This simple switch didn't make the physical sensations disappear, but it gave my brain a positive explanation for them, preventing the fear from spiraling out of control. This technique, known as "anxiety reappraisal," has been proven by researchers at Harvard Business School to not only lower anxiety but also improve performance.

Using Anchor Thoughts to Conquer Fear

You can apply a similar technique to overcome specific fears, like a fear of flying. I used to be a mess on planes, imagining every worst-case scenario. To conquer this, I developed what I call "anchor thoughts."

Before a trip, I create a specific, exciting image in my mind of what I'll be doing when I land. Maybe it's hiking a mountain with friends or having dinner with a client in a new city. I make the image as vivid as possible.

The moment I'm on the plane and feel a trigger—like turbulence or a strange noise—I interrupt the fear pattern by counting down, 5-4-3-2-1. This simple action activates my prefrontal cortex and pulls me into the present moment. Then, I immediately force myself to focus on my anchor thought. Thinking about that exciting dinner reminds my brain that for that to happen, the plane has to land safely. It provides the context my mind needs so it doesn't escalate the fear.

Confidence Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait

A huge mistake we make is thinking that confidence is something you're born with. It’s not a personality trait; it’s a skill you build. Confidence just means you believe in yourself and your ideas, and it's built through small, everyday acts of courage.

I once met an engineer who was an introvert and had always wanted to thank his company's CEO, but he froze up every time he had the chance. After learning the 5-4-3-2-1 rule, he saw the CEO jogging, counted down, and pushed himself to approach him. They had an incredible conversation that led to a new job interview. The point wasn't the job; it was the feeling he got from honoring his own instinct. That single act of courage built a new layer of trust in himself.

This is how you build real confidence. It comes from the small things you do every single day that prove you can count on yourself. It's what allows someone like a CIO I know to become a self employed photographer, turning a passion project into a successful side hustle turned full time. Each courageous step, no matter how small, adds up. Whether you're building a freelance business or just trying to speak up in a meeting, it all starts with pushing yourself to act. By practicing these small acts, you slowly build the trust required for starting your own freelance business or any other major life goal. The journey to becoming a self employed photographer or entrepreneur begins a single, courageous step at a time.