The Counterintuitive Rule for Changing Someone's Mind

There’s a fundamental rule of communication that, once you grasp it, can completely transform your ability to negotiate, resolve conflicts, and genuinely change people’s minds. It also shines a light on why so many of our arguments go nowhere. This principle is a game-changer for anyone running a or trying to get a off the ground.

The Argument I Grew Up With

Throughout my childhood, I watched my mother yell at my father while he sat in front of the TV, seemingly in his own world. These weren't short-lived spats; she could go on for five or six hours, repeating the same points with the same intensity. My dad’s strategy was either to ignore her completely or, if he tried to argue back and failed, he’d just leave. He’d lock himself in a bedroom or hop in the car and drive away.

It took me 20 years to realize I had inherited his exact conflict-resolution playbook. One night, around 2 a.m., my girlfriend was repeatedly hammering me about something she was upset about. My first instinct was to push back with, “I disagree,” and launch into a counterargument. It was like throwing gasoline on a fire. She just got louder, repeating her point over and over.

Eventually, I tried to leave the room. She followed me, so I locked myself in the walk-in closet and stayed there until almost 5 a.m., listening to her shout the same things through the door. Unsurprisingly, we broke up. That relationship didn’t last, but the experience taught me a valuable lesson.

Why We Stop Listening

In every kind of relationship—business, romantic, or friendly—communication is both the problem and the solution. You can tell how healthy a relationship is by whether conflicts make it stronger or weaker. When people work together against a problem, the bond deepens. When they work against each other, it frays.

To understand this better, I spoke with Tali Sharot, a professor of cognitive neuroscience at University College London and MIT. What she told me about the brain changed how I handle my personal and professional life forever. Sharot’s team conducted a study, published in , where they scanned people's brains during disagreements.

They put 42 volunteers into pairs and had them lie in separate brain-imaging scanners. Each person was shown pictures of real estate and asked to estimate its value. They could see their partner's guess on a screen. When the partners agreed on a value, their brain activity lit up—a sign they were open and receptive. But when they disagreed, their brains seemed to freeze. They cognitively shut down, devaluing the other person's opinion.

This finding explains a lot about our current world. Take climate change, for example. Over the last decade, scientists have presented overwhelming evidence that it’s man-made. Yet, during that same period, the number of US Republicans who believe that evidence has actually . Arguing louder with more facts clearly isn’t working, and a built on that premise is doomed to fail.

The Path to Being Heard

So, what actually works? Sharot says that if you want to keep someone’s brain open to your point of view, you can’t lead with disagreement. It’s a crucial skill for anyone where client communication is everything.

When you find yourself on the opposite side of an issue, resist the urge to start with “I disagree” or “You’re wrong.” Instead, begin by highlighting what you have in common. Find a point of agreement or acknowledge the parts of their argument you can understand. No matter how logical your position is, it won’t land if the other person's brain has already shut down. By starting from a place of common ground, you create a chance for your evidence and reasoning to actually be heard.

This single skill is what separates effective negotiators, leaders, and partners from everyone else. I heard the same thing when I interviewed communication coach Julian Treasure and relationship expert Paul Brunson. They both stressed that great communication starts with making the other person feel “heard” and “understood.” Sharot’s research provides the scientific proof for why this is so critical. The people most likely to change our minds are those we already agree with on most things because we feel they us, which keeps us open to their ideas.

In any negotiation, debate, or argument, remember this law: to change a mind, first find a shared belief. Your words should be bridges that build connection, not walls that create distance. Whether you're managing or navigating family dynamics, the principle remains the same. Disagree less, and understand more.